Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.