An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I’m already scared
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!