ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You Might Also Like
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.