ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A new level of troll.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I need a headline like this
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
This line from Airplane.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.