Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?