Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.