Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
man i love columbo
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.