Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”