ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.