@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
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@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you
@HatfieldAnne: I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
@bobvulfov: [getting out of prison after 10 years] GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi