[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead