@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
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@librarianfonz: I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
@iTomFoolery: How soon is it going to be before school spelling tests only requires getting the first three letters correct until google does the rest.
@TurboJellyBean: Her:"my blinkers don't work I think I'm out of blinker fluid" Me:"your car doesn't have blinker fluid." Her:"I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION"