@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
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@oakhillbargrill: Him: 'Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?' Me: -whimpering 'She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle'
@JonasPolsky: If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out "Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?"
@SortaBad: [turns to guy at next urinal] "When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion"
@AustinSommer: If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions