I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
You Might Also Like
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that