me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
pelicons
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
FRED: right
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.