Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You Might Also Like
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
A bold strategy
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Yup
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.