me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.