Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.