Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I put the h in mysterious.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Finally!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Monday
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”