Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I finally found a reason to live again.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.