ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.