Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.