Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I am having an out of money experience.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.