Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Worth remembering.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.