me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
new career option?