Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
$4 #usedbooks
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.