All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Liquor Store Parking
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
They’re really bad with fonts.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”