Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
this is funnier than any friends episode
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?