Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
New menu item
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes