Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
That 👊
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
For the baby who has everything
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits