Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.