This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My daily affirmation
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.