ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Lucky old June.
Cake safety first. Always.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.