ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Come back with a warrant
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.