One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
the council will decide your fate
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.