Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”