Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites