Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.