Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am