ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
some Old Testament wisdom
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“and how does that make you feel?”