ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro