*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
no cat here
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie