Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.