Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Stop sending me this shit.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”