9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
set yourself free xox
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
S M O L
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
fourth time’s the charm
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.