When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck