ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!