Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?