Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
OH. COME. ON.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.