Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Wait a second…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud