me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
hmm conte-me mais
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now