Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: