Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.